Sex
Boost Your Post-Baby Sexual Appetite With a Position Inspired by Salty Snacks!
You’re tired. Your boobs are leaking. Your vagina hurts. So why not contort yourself into a pretzel for his pleasure?!
Photo illustration by Gallery of the Absurd
THE PLEASE-HIM PRETZEL TWIST
Carnal challenge: 
EROTIC INSTRUCTIONS:
Clear a space on the toy-strewn floor, the spit-up-filled bed or the minivan after circling the block a dozen times to get the freakin’ baby to finally sleep. Position your husband so he can get a clear view of you making a fool of yourself, as well as the baby monitor because it’s his turn to get the baby no matter what he says. Prepare your body with a doctor-recommended aid, such as a Vicodin-tini (if you’re breastfeeding, this will also make a great sleep aid for baby), to help relax your limbs to the point that Gumby would seem stiff in comparison. Place right leg over left shoulder, left leg over right shoulder, right arm over left leg and left arm over right leg. Again, if you’re breastfeeding, swing those pendulous orbs over your shoulders as well. Unclench your buttocks, then warn your husband you may accidentally pee a little bit because, yeah, that shit still happens after you have the baby and he needs to get over it because IT’S ALL HIS FAULT.
WHY YOU’LL LOVE IT:
There’s nothing sexier than looking like you belong in an Auntie Anne’s oven. While your confused husband tries to figure out whether he’s supposed to use your exposed backdoor or dip you in salt — or both — you can enjoy the super-sexy vulnerable feeling of being more twisted than a Scandal storyline.
WHY YOU’LL HATE IT:
Experts say it will likely take 6-8 days to extract yourself from this position, which will make it hard to hold, feed or take care of your baby in any way. Also, THE NUMBNESS.
If you like this week’s position, try…
The Headspin Spread Eagle
