How to Dress for the Job You Made Up So You Wouldn’t Have to Volunteer at Your Kid’s School Anymore

With the right wardrobe, the Room Mom will stop asking you to decorate Ms. Perkins’ door for Teacher Appreciation Week and start marveling at how you’re able to balance motherhood and your fake office job.

“Dress not for the job you have, but the one you want” practically sounds like a bible verse at this point. But what about the verse where you fabricate a “social media specialist” job because the president of the PTA at your son’s school just assumes you want to volunteer for every single fundraiser — and the working moms think you want to drive their kids to soccer practice — just because you’re a stay-at-home mom, but in reality hate looking after other people’s kids? It’s an important verse that gets lost all too often, which is why we’re here to help you dress for the job you made up so the damn PTA will finally leave you alone.

Don’t Oversell It

If you start dressing in fancy suits all of a sudden, the other parents are going to suspect you’re a big, fat liar. This is a fabricated social media position — not Wall Street! Pair a silk floral blouse with dark-wash jeans. Or a nice t-shirt with a pencil skirt. Something that says “I am dutifully employed and too busy to volunteer at the book fair, but I’m not sure if this job is leading to a promotion that would allow me to donate more money to the school, especially because I made it up.”

It’s All in the Details

Don’t be afraid to dribble a little coffee on your blouse to indicate you’ve had your share of harried mornings. Skip the concealer to make it look like you’ve been spending some late nights at the office. Tell Evan’s mom you got those new earrings on your “business trip to San Francisco.” Before you know it, the Room Mom will stop asking you to decorate Ms. Perkins’ door for Teacher Appreciation Week and start marveling at how you’re able to balance motherhood and your fake office job.

Never, Ever Accept an Offer to Speak at the School’s Career Day

Sure, the other parents may have fallen for your “social media specialist” sham, but you’ll never pull the wool over the eyes of a classroom of children. Even if you’ve never looked more employed in your life, the kids will know you’re a fake, okay? They can smell lies (and your last Oreo cookie if you don’t hide it properly) a mile away and won’t hesitate to rat you out. Instead, claim that you have to go to an Instagram conference that week — and, eventually, you’ll discover you’ve dressed, spilled and lied your way up the ladder to avoiding volunteer “opportunities” with nary an ounce of actual office work.